Define happy.  Google’s definition of happy

  1. feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
  2. fortunate and convenient

With struggles and trials in life continually pressing against us every day, it is hard to show that we feel pleasure or are content.  In our lives PTSD + PCOS = Heaving And Pushing Passed Yesterday.

Making mistakes is easy, but trying to keep the past in the past has seemed to be very difficult with Robert’s PTSD.  Even after being safe and secure with each other for going on three years, and him being out of the military for about a few years before that, the nightmares of the past still press through. I’ll never forget the first time he had a nightmare with me lying next to him.  I couldn’t wake him too harshly and I had to sooth and convince that he was safe once he was awake.  Sometimes he remembers what he dreams, and sometimes he does not.  Either way, they always cause a sense of panic and frustration as the dangers of the past keep showing their ugly heads.

It has been very hard for me to let go of my past as well.  Back in 2010 I had a little girl, Janelle Sarai.  She was born at 22 weeks, and only lived for five minutes.  The doctors told me she wasn’t a viable baby at 22 weeks, so they warned me ahead of time they would not try to save her.  So I held her as she inhaled one breath, but never exhaled it.  Every September, I tell my self how old she would be that year.  Every mother’s day I pout as I get showered with guilt instead of gifts.

I thought after having one child, that meant my PCOS was not going to take a hold of me anymore, and that it would be easy to get pregnant again.  Over the last two years of our marriage, we have been wondering if we will ever become parents at all.  But, I will not let the past make me unhappy.  I will continue to heave and press away the past.  If I can’t look ahead, then the past has won.

There are happy small moments that we hang on to each day. Communication has been super important in our marriage.  We let each other know if our day has been good or bad, and what has bothered us.  We accept that we have faults and medical conditions.  Then, we tell each other positive things and move forward.  This has proved to be good therapy for us so far.

Today, our happy moment will be meeting our new fur baby.  My husband is picking him up today!  A beautiful three year old rottweiler named Big Guy, who’s owner is moving and cannot take him with.  I’m sad about the past, but excited for the future.  When I get home from work Big Guy, who will be renamed Bravo, will greet me with eager and smelly dog kisses and Robert and I will help Bravo to adjust to his new home.  I don’t claim to know the future, but I do know that Robert and I are safe, healthy, satisfied.  We have not had to go without food, and the past will not take away our happy.

Philippians 3:13-14 (KJV)

13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

photo credit: ball via photopin (license)

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  1. This was an incredibly inspiring read! You and your husband have been through so much, yet I can still feel the emotion and love you two share through your words. Fur babies are the best!


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