FUBAR. A military term for a really, really, really, really messed up situation. I would like to interpret FUBAR in my life as this:
Future Unknown, But Always Resilient.
When Robert first told me he had PTSD, my initial thought was, “I can’t do this, again!” I already had gone through a big Christian no no with the big D word. Divorce. I had already gone through criticizing myself for being a hypocrite. I could already feel the perfect pointed fingers of all the ‘real’ Christians on my back. All I wanted to do was to be made whole again. Never did I think the missing part of me was my husband Robert. Never did I think that PTSD would end one marriage, only to start another.
But now looking back, I can’t positively say 100% that PTSD was to blame for my previous marriage. It was my inexperience with marriage, combined with the fact that I am human and make horrible mistakes, combined with the fact that I was inexperienced with PTSD, AND combined with the fact that I am selfish and prideful at heart. I’ve had time to learn and reflect on all of that. This growth and understanding, is what fuels my newly found appreciation for something called, unconditional love.
I learned I am not perfect, and that no human will ever be perfect. I spent a lot of time in my past home church in Moultrie, Georgia pretending that I was sin free and everything was completely fine! I totally disregarded the meaning of unconditional love. I thought to be loved, I had to be perfect. In return, I also thought that to give my love to another, meant that they had to be perfect. How very deluded I had become.
One divorce later, and four years of a verbally abusive relationship after that, with a miscarriage in between, somehow Robert found me on a dating site, and the broken parts of us both created a bond that only God knows how it all fit together. I made him laugh, and he made me laugh. It was as simple as that, and a sort of healing process began in both of us.
My future is unknown, but I will remain resilient. I will love my husband unconditionally. He is not perfect, and I am not perfect. Together, we make a sort of lop sided whole, but neither of us holds PTSD or PCOS against the other. We take our lives day by day. We stick to our bed time routine of making funny faces and animal noises at each other, and laugh. We watch our fat cat Pork Chop try to fit under the couch, and laugh. We also watch him sit half in and half out of the window, because the ledge is too small, and laugh some more! Just because life happens, just because trials come, does not mean you can’t love someone and find your missing pieces. It only means that you may never know the big picture, but I know someone who does.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (KJV)
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.