Why PTSD + PCOS = W.A.L.L.S.

Walls Always Linger Longer Subliminally

Walls.  I put them up around me daily.  Over the past 15 years, my phone has rang less and less.  Now, I go months without a phone call, and I don’t receive any texts unless I text someone first.  Maybe my walls are higher than I had initially wanted them to be.

I have become angry and anti social.  I cut people off in traffic, I yell when they make me angry, and I ride their tail if they cut me off.  I want revenge.  I’m out for blood.  I call corporate when a company makes me angry.  I don’t want to understand the other person, because they don’t understand me.

I am at the place, where I am used to carrying around my cell phone for no reason.  Maybe if they don’t want to talk to me, then I don’t want to talk to them.  Yeah, I convince myself, that’s exactly the reason.  My phone rings because of bill collectors, not because people want to see how I am.  Let’s not even talk about becoming a normal citizen or a normal christian.  I definitely don’t want to become part of a church.  I talk to my husband on a daily basis, and that’s about as close as I get to human contact.

I became very close to people at a few churches over the years, and it’s always pressure to be perfect.  I will never be perfect.  I don’t want to be perfect. When someone asks if you are ok, no one wants to know you are having a bad day.  So you just smile, and say, I’m fine.  No one wants to hear that you have a condition. If you tell them your problems, they will say you are backslid, or you are cursed.  If you tell them it’s financial, they will tell you that you are not a good steward, you must be doing something wrong.  So then you pray, and move on. Then, when you feel like you have peace in your heart, no one thinks it’s Gods will for you to move on or move to another church.  Because God talks to them about my life, and not me.  Because apparently, God tells them everything about everything, and I am left wondering if there is something wrong with me. What IS wrong with me?

Because maybe there is something wrong with me.

Yesterday I received some upsetting news and I screamed in my car like a mad woman.  I wanted to go home and tear everything apart.  I got aggressive in traffic.  I wanted to delete all my photos off of social media.

I wanted to be deleted.

I want to stay behind my walls because there is no ridicule or persuasion to be perfect. There are no people inside there with you to give you advice when they have no idea what they are saying to you.

You need help.

Well, do you have the money for me to get help?  Because that is what it takes. Don’t act like you know.  The only thing in this world that is free is free advice, and you get what you pay for with that.  So I’m staying inside for now.  There is only One that really can see my heart.  I’m not ok, and I’m beginning to thing that’s ok.

Mark 2:17 (KJV)

17 When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

 

photo credit: “Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or a secret gate.” via photopin (license)

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16 Comments

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  1. Wow-I’m speechless. This is amazing. I relate to you when it comes to walls. I keep them up because every time I’ve let them down I’ve gotten so hurt. I really only have my boyfriend to talk to because I’ve never had real friends. I also agree that no one understand PCOS. I hope you feel better about the news you got yesterday and there is a way to go about it. You’re strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. your post brings tears to my eyes because I’m at this same place. it’s so horrible. I don’t trust people enough to let my walls down so I don’t have friends either. & family.. well they are the reason I built the walls to start with.. hubby is all I have.. but some days I don’t even feel like I have him.. I don’t know why I tell him awful things like I hate him or I should just be alone because I’m not good enough for him.. but I do this.. the PTSD does this. it’s tormenting for him & myself!!. I LOVE my husband. I don’t hate him!! I hate the PTSD! I hate being sick!

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    • I’m so glad my post can relate to you. We are not alone and there are a lot of people with PTSD. My husband also has PTSD from his military service, so in a way, when we get mad at each other, we know it is just the PTSD frustration. Just keep talking through it with your husband, I’m sure he loves you too. It is hard tho, for both of you, it is for my husband and me too, but we can make it through this.

      Liked by 1 person

      • thank you for your encouragement! I heard somewhere that the stronger people of this world tend to go through the most difficult trials in life because the weaker ones would never survive these things.
        I know we ALL have times when we want to just quit but the trick is to NEVER GIVE UP!
        HERE’S TO SURVIVING! !💓

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Award! Check it out here! 🙂 https://littlemissmishap.wordpress.com/2016/06/02/liebster-award/

    Liked by 2 people

  4. My encouragement is to read Psalm 27 and then I have hope in those things around me. I can very much relate but I also know my inner strength comes from God’s word. I have been with his word and without and for me I am at a happier place with his word. May you find peace in reading this Psalm and I pray you continue to search the living word of God for your hope. Sincerely – Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Christine Walker June 12, 2016 — 4:22 am

    This hit so far home for me. I have PTSD, PCOS, social and general anxiety disorders, depression and what seems like a slew of other issues. I wish I knew how to break those walls down sometimes. I feel as though i have pushed everyone fro my life and I am now pushing my fiance away. I want to disappear at times but no one that was or is in my life seems to understand. No matter how often we may think of throwing in the towel here is to being strong and persevering.

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  6. I really appreciated your honesty and vulnerability. You will be a gift to many with your words.

    I am saddened to hear of your experience with the church. Thankfully (and sadly) the church doesn’t often represent God’s heart for His people: I’m sad about that for obvious reasons. I’m thankful for that because although people can hurt us in the name of God, it doesn’t change who God really is, or what He’s really like.

    I am glad you are coming to a place where you can see that you’re not okay. You’re not perfect. And you never will be. None of us are – or will be – on this earth. Jesus didn’t come to heal the well, He came for the sick and sinful. (Which is every one of us, whether we admit it or not.)

    I pray you can come to love the church and God’s people – despite their responses. They are the sinful that God came to save too. They need people like you to remind them that’s who we are and why He came.

    Again, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart with the world. I pray your words would bring healing to many, and to yourself as well.

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