Why PTSD + PCOS = W.A.L.L.S.

Walls Always Linger Longer Subliminally

Walls.  I put them up around me daily.  Over the past 15 years, my phone has rang less and less.  Now, I go months without a phone call, and I don’t receive any texts unless I text someone first.  Maybe my walls are higher than I had initially wanted them to be.

I have become angry and anti social.  I cut people off in traffic, I yell when they make me angry, and I ride their tail if they cut me off.  I want revenge.  I’m out for blood.  I call corporate when a company makes me angry.  I don’t want to understand the other person, because they don’t understand me.

I am at the place, where I am used to carrying around my cell phone for no reason.  Maybe if they don’t want to talk to me, then I don’t want to talk to them.  Yeah, I convince myself, that’s exactly the reason.  My phone rings because of bill collectors, not because people want to see how I am.  Let’s not even talk about becoming a normal citizen or a normal christian.  I definitely don’t want to become part of a church.  I talk to my husband on a daily basis, and that’s about as close as I get to human contact.

I became very close to people at a few churches over the years, and it’s always pressure to be perfect.  I will never be perfect.  I don’t want to be perfect. When someone asks if you are ok, no one wants to know you are having a bad day.  So you just smile, and say, I’m fine.  No one wants to hear that you have a condition. If you tell them your problems, they will say you are backslid, or you are cursed.  If you tell them it’s financial, they will tell you that you are not a good steward, you must be doing something wrong.  So then you pray, and move on. Then, when you feel like you have peace in your heart, no one thinks it’s Gods will for you to move on or move to another church.  Because God talks to them about my life, and not me.  Because apparently, God tells them everything about everything, and I am left wondering if there is something wrong with me. What IS wrong with me?

Because maybe there is something wrong with me.

Yesterday I received some upsetting news and I screamed in my car like a mad woman.  I wanted to go home and tear everything apart.  I got aggressive in traffic.  I wanted to delete all my photos off of social media.

I wanted to be deleted.

I want to stay behind my walls because there is no ridicule or persuasion to be perfect. There are no people inside there with you to give you advice when they have no idea what they are saying to you.

You need help.

Well, do you have the money for me to get help?  Because that is what it takes. Don’t act like you know.  The only thing in this world that is free is free advice, and you get what you pay for with that.  So I’m staying inside for now.  There is only One that really can see my heart.  I’m not ok, and I’m beginning to thing that’s ok.

Mark 2:17 (KJV)

¹⁷ When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

 

photo credit: “Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or a secret gate.” via photopin (license)